Billy Gallagher

Page One

Finding a wife was a difficult business for me.  I was super-sensitive and a denial hurt greatly.  So pre-occupied were we all between the Boys’ Club and the flat where we lived, talked, and partied, however innocently.  I couldn’t be frivolous, didn’t drink but spent long periods in pubs.  Somehow girls were for a later time.  Although there might be a girlfriend from time to time I was too apprehensive to make any progress.  No physical relationship was possible as it was “a sin” and we were all fed full of shit.  You might get to hold hands and possibly a kiss on the cheek in extenuating circumstances.  I don’t even remember this “celibacy” being a problem to any of us.  I have no recollection of any of us in the flat ever having a bird sleep over and to the best of my knowledge no one was sexually active.

As an example of that there was one chap who used come in after a date with a dreadful conscience.  He on occasion roused someone to say the Rosary with him at 3 a.m. if he was feeling guilty.  Whereas it would be normal to think that in fact he had “done the business” I discovered only about 3 years ago when we had his lady of that time to dinner.  She is a social worker in Dublin and never married.  She explained that she had a client recently who shared his sexual experiences with her and then asked her had she any children.  She explained that she never married and never had a full sexual experience.

I have been trying to figure out ever since what was on my friend’s conscience.  Whatever it was it was certainly trivial, but such was the sexual guilt we carried at the time.  There was a phrase “knee to elastic; venial, thereafter; mortal.”

When I was perhaps 27/28 I met a girl who was more sexually advanced.  She would let you put your hand up her frock.  I had never experienced this and the consequences were quite a shock to me.  I decided after several bouts of this that perhaps I was in love and suggested marriage.  She answered in the affirmative.  She was infinitely more experienced than I was even if she had a remarkable fear of pregnancy.  Not that there was much chance of pregnancy from the wrestling we performed and there was never even a suggestion of intercourse.  This was before any knowledge of contraception, which was quite irrelevant in the prevailing circumstances and particularly in the prevailing conscience.  She was an air hostess and had an “old” relationship in America where she flew every 7-10 days.  On one of her returns from there she dumped me.

Although she contacted me subsequently to re-ignite “the passion” I had moved on.

The experience with this air hostess was liberating and I at least no knew that sexuality is a reciprocal business.  (This girl never married and I met her again about a year ago and didn’t even recognise her.)